Thoughts on Forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. In a family our size it is a necessary part of our daily existence! As I've been trying to teach my children about this skill, I started consciously paying attention to this area in my life. I use the word "skill," because it is just that..a skill. It is not something that comes naturally to us, yet it is something God commands us to practice. The more we practice it, the more proficient we become at it. When we don't practice forgiveness, we learn resentment and bitterness instead.

I thank God regularly that my parents practiced having forgiving attitudes and spirits in front of me. I saw it lived out on a daily basis. Sometimes it was easier to practice than other times, but forgiveness always prevailed. Both of my parents come from a background that would be labeled as unforgivable by some. And yet, through God's grace, my parents learned the value of forgiveness over anger, resentment and bitterness (even though the anger, resentment and bitterness would all have been justifiable). I watch and listen to people who get angry over unimportant things, like being cut off in traffic or skipped in front of in a line. Or what about the wife who is upset that her husband didn't take out the trash, or put things away properly or lift the toilet seat or... They go on and on about their "rights" being trampled upon. Why bother getting so upset over such mundane things? The only people affected by that kind of sour, unforgiving attitude are the offended and those who have to be around them! They don't realize that the venom they spew poisons them and their loved ones far more than it ever will the offender. Then there are other offenses more personal in nature. Hurtful words, attitudes, and/or actions from our loved ones, subtle betrayals of friends or family, outright attacks to our person or character, the loss of a friendship, etc.-- are all harder to forgive (esecially due to their more personal nature), but we are still commanded to forgive just the same. And then, of course, there are those offenses that seem unforgivable by any standard. This is an area I can't personally identify with. And yet I know...we are still commanded to forgive. Why? And how? To me, forgiveness is not excusing someone else's behaviors and sins. It is choosing to let God handle the situation in whatever way He thinks is best (without my intervention!); and it is releasing my spirit from the prison of bitterness and resentment. Forgiveness is freedom.

I firmly believe that when we practice forgiving the small things it becomes easier to forgive the larger things. Forgiveness is as much attitude as it is action. The biggest casualty of unforgiveness isn't the unforgiven...it's the one withholding forgiveness. Unforgiveness is like poison to the spirit of the one who harbors it. I believe one of the reasons God commands us to forgive is for our own personal benefit. Bitterness is bad for your health--mental, physical and spiritual. It is also bad for those around you. If those around you are little ones, then they suffer additionally. They bear the brunt of the unforgiveness, not only by having to endure an ugly spirit, but also by learning the the trait of bitterness (which they will then practice and teach to their children). Jesus told Peter in Matthew 18:21-35 that we are to forgive repeatedly and from the heart! This isn't just a nice thing to do; it is a command straight from Jesus' mouth. I'm reminded of verse 6 earlier in the same chapter that says anyone who causes one of these little ones to stumble, it is better for a millstone to be hung around his neck and for him to be tossed into the depth of the ocean (my paraphrase). As parents, we have a huge responsibility to know how God wants us to behave because our children WILL emulate us. An attitude of forgiveness is a characteristic that will positively affect our children's walk with God and those He puts in their paths. It will help them more readily receive God's forgiveness as well as extend their own. I want my children to know how to forgive. I want them to see it lived out daily in my life, as I did in my parents'. Forgiveness is an act of obedience that God Himself demonstrates. Can we do any less if we are to be holy as He is holy?

One way I've learned to practice forgiveness is really simple. This is really effective with family members, but it extends to anyone. When someone hurts or offends me I ask myself the question, "Can I forgive him/her for that?" Usually, simply as an act of the will, I can; it isn't worth the effort to be upset about. (Unforgiveness takes a lot of energy to maintain!) On the occasions when I am unable to forgive them, I pray something like, "God, please help me forgive _____. Help me to have a forgiving attitude. Thank you for forgiving me..." And as I remember all that God has forgiven me for, forgiving someone else their wrongs toward me becomes much easier. In the light of God's forgiveness of my sins, somehow someone else's offense(s) toward me become overshadowed by God's truly amazing grace. I have found that the more I practice forgiveness, the easier it gets to forgive. It seems to work a bit like a muscle. As I think about it...bitterness works the same way.

What kind of muscles do you want to have?