Thankfulness

A couple of months after our third child, Timothy, was born I had one of those crazy days that made me decide, "Yep. I don't want any more children. That's it. I'm done!" And so I told Jay that I was okay with it if he still wanted to go ahead with a previously discussed "permanent solution" to that issue. We went through all the preliminary stuff and before we knew it we were scheduled to "get fixed," as we laughingly called it. At bedtime the night before the surgery, as we sat on the couch, I tearfully told Jay that I felt like we were making a mistake, like we were "playing God." What if God intended for us to have more children? What if we wanted more kids in the future? What if...? So Jay, in his love for me, said, "If you're not 100% sure about this, then we don't need to do it." The next morning we cancelled the appointment (which, by the way, isn't uncommon!).

Well, we moved to Oviedo, FL when Timothy was 8 months old. And as time went by I once again became certain, that I was done. I didn't want any more children. (By this time, though, we felt that a a "permanent solution" was no longer an option.) Shortly after I came to this realization, God threw us a huge curve ball. Quite unexpectedly, I got pregnant. Jay was away on a staff retreat when I bought the pregnancy test. I stayed up late, and after all the children were asleep I gathered up my nerve and took it. When it showed up positive I just started sobbing. For 15 minutes I cried so hard that I could hardly breathe. I prayed awful prayers like, "Please, God, take this baby back! I don't want it! Please. I can't do this again. Please...Just let me miscarry. Please..." (I am so very ashamed of this, but I want you to understand just how upset I was---I later sought God's forgiveness for praying such selfish, hateful and ungrateful prayers). I knew that this would be difficult news for Jay, too. I prayed with desperation that he would be with Ron (a good friend who worked with Jay and is very godly and brings good balance and perspective, and was also at the retreat with Jay). When I spoke with Jay the next day, he was riding back from the retreat with Ron and another co-worker. I said to him, "Guess what?!" He could tell by my tone of voice that something was up so he replied, "Sparkles (our cat) is pregnant again?!" to which I said, "Not Sparkles..." He dropped the phone. After picking it up he quickly told me he'd call me back. It was ordained by God that he was with Ron when I told him. Jay's response was tempered greatly, and I needed it to be. I spent the next 3 months in a pretty big depression and was mean and ugly to everyone. It was awful for all those around me. I was so angry at God. My poor family suffered in my presence during that period.

About 3 1/2 months into the pregnancy we were at church. It was praise and worship time and I was doing my best to worship God. You know, it's really hard to worship God when you are bitter and angry inside. But then something happened. It wasn't quite audible, but I did look next to me to be sure nobody actually spoke to me. It was that real. God spoke to my heart and said, "Dede, who do you think you are to be ungrateful for this gift I've given to you??? Remember in I Thess. 5:18 it says, 'In EVERYTHING give thanks, for this is the WILL of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.'" I was mortified. In my heart I repented right then and there. I realized it was direct disobedience to be ungrateful. Period. In everything give thanks...it's God's will. This marked a huge turning point in not only that pregnancy, but in my life in general. Lucy came and I remembered to be thankful for her, even though she did manage to come during hurricane Frances!

God has been so good to us. One night several months later I was washing the dishes by myself as the rest of the family relaxed. I was kind of grumbling to myself about that fact when I was reminded in my spirit, "Remember, in everything give thanks..." I started thanking God for anything I could think of... a family to cook for, dishes to eat off of, the food we just ate, my wonderful husband and precious children. I began to reflect on that time when God spoke to my heart that Sunday morning and how grateful I was to Him for caring enough about me to whisper to me and change me little by little into the person He wants me to be. And then it dawned on me. "Am I pregnant? Where's my calendar? Oh my goodness! I'm late!" I mentioned this to Jay, as he was sitting across the room. He said, "Go get a test now!" I did. Once again, it was positive. Five kids! But God, in His wonderful grace, had already prepared my heart as I was standing there washing those dishes all by myself. His grace is sufficient! I was able to thank and praise God with true gratitude when I found out. I didn't miss a beat... Not because of anything in me, but simply because of God's precious, wondrous grace.

Since I Thess. 5:18 (In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you) has become so real in my life, I have noticed something amazing. Giving thanks in all circumstances produces joy, peace and contentment. Who knew?! Yes! God did! If we will just obey His word, even when it's difficult or doesn't make sense, or we simply don't feel like it, He will pour out His blessings on us. Not necessarily in a physical, tangible sense, (although that can happen too) but in an internal, spiritual sense while He makes us more into the person He created us to be. As this happens, the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control) begins to manifest itself more and more in our lives. As I type this I can't help thinking of that old hymn called "Trust and Obey." It says, "Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." I know this to be true because I've experienced it first hand. I've also seen it happen in many others' lives. God's grace truly is amazing!

There's so much more to this story, but I'll save that for another time...It's late and I'm tired!